We're Not Characters from a Jane Austen Novel, Wanda
by Anise Nalci
Summary: When Wanda enlists Ralphie and Carlos' help to get Arnold and Phoebe together, hilarity is sure to ensue.
1. It is a truth, universally acknowledged

_When Wanda enlists Ralphie and Carlos' help to get Arnold and Phoebe together, hilarity is sure to ensue._

* * *

**We're Not Characters from a Jane Austen Novel, Wanda**

* * *

_It is a truth, universally acknowledged_

* * *

"We're not characters from a Jane Austen novel, Wanda," Keesha told her friend, from where she was lying on the platform near the window-sill of her bedroom. It was the weekend, and Keesha and Dorothy Ann were spending a nice, quiet time, lounging in her bedroom. Dorothy Ann was working on her AP Chemistry homework, while Keesha was trying to choreograph a new dance to teach her dance students at the local community center.

At least it was quiet, until Wanda decided to crash and tell them all about her insane plan to get Arnold and Phoebe together.

This had prompted Keesha to tell Wanda that, no, they were not characters in a Jane Austen novel. Dorothy Ann helpfully supplied that if they were, Wanda was being the equivalent of Emma, and they all knew what happened to Emma in the end.

"Yeah, she married Mr. Knightley," Wanda said undeterred.

"Who was at least ten years older than her," Keesha remarked, cynically.

"Details, details," Wanda waved it off, before her eyes widened and she broke into a grin. "Or maybe not. High school boys are so immature."

"Wanda! Really?" Keesha exclaimed, face-palming. "There's no getting to her, is there, D.A.?"

"Nope!" Wanda (unhelpfully) replied in Dorothy Ann's stead. Dorothy Ann shook her head, smiling.

"Wanda, even you have to agree that it's a bit foolhardy to force Arnold and Phoebe to end up together. If it's meant to be, it'll happen in due time," Dorothy Ann pointed out, gently. "Besides, if you're Emma, that makes Arnold Mr. Elton and Phoebe Harriet, and while Phoebe and Harriet share many similarities, Arnold and Mr. Elton most certainly do not."

"Whatever you say, Dorothy Ann," Wanda murmurs absently. "It's not like I read the book, you see."

Dorothy Ann was aghast. "I thought you loved Jane Austen! I mean, I introduced you to the books and you were singing praises of how wonderful Pride and Prejudice was!"

"Yeah, I read that one, but honestly, that was just the one. And plus, the movies were so much better, especially when I realize that Bridget Jones' Diary was inspired by Jane Austen's works. Anyway, it managed to get me an A in English, so I don't see why we both should complain. I get an A, you spread your love of literature, it's all win-win, no? So are you going to help me with Arnold and Phoebe?"

"Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Dorothy Ann groaned, and hit her head against the desk several times in frustration, while Keesha looked pityingly at her blonde friend, before turning to Wanda.

"Wanda, honey, you can't hurry love, you know that, right?"

Wanda looked at Keesha quizzically. "What the hell are you talking about, Keesh? Who said anything about love? God, we're only teenagers."

Dorothy Ann's eyes widened. "What's the point of matchmaking Arnold and Phoebe then, Wanda?"

Wanda rolled her eyes. "Look, D.A., Arnold and Phoebe have never been in a steady high school relationship – "

"Neither have _I_?" Dorothy Ann pointed out, irately.

"You're too serious for most guys, D.A.," Wanda replied. "Besides, you give off all the wrong signals if you really _have _been after a real relationship. I mean, you're the kind of girls guys bring home to their parents when they're looking to settle down, and let's face it, high school boys aren't looking to settle down."

"And Arnold and Phoebe?" Keesha raised an eyebrow. "What makes _them_ different?"

"_Well_," Wanda shrugged her shoulders. "Arnold is definitely interested in girls, seeing as he and Tiffany had an on-and-off, friends-with-benefits thing going on."

"Wait, what?"

"No way!"

"_Way_," Wanda grinned, somewhat maniacally. "And Phoebe is just pining away for him, and God knows she won't be able to have a decent functioning relationship with anyone else until she gets him out of her system, and she can only do that if she gets together with him." At her friends' blank expressions, Wanda sighed dramatically, "Oh come _on_! It's so obvious! Everyone knows that if a girl is so hung up over a guy like Phoebe is over Arnold, she'll never have a decent relationship!"

"Wanda, you're crazy," Keesha said bluntly.

"Well you guys are _driving_ me insane!" Wanda shouted emphatically. "Jeez, you know what? Ralphie and Carlos would be more helpful than you two!"

"_What?_" Dorothy Ann shrieked, but Keesha put her hand on her arm, and nodded patronizingly. "Of course they are," Keesha remarked (somewhat condescendingly, but the condenscension was lost on Wanda). "Maybe they would be a better team than we would ever be in Operation Arby."

"_Maybe they would be!_" Wanda yelled. "You guys… Arrgggggggh!" She stormed out of the room, screeching at a frequency no human should be allowed to screech in, and slammed the bedroom door, causing both Keesha and Dorothy Ann to wince. There was silence for a while, as both Keesha and Dorothy Ann needed to recuperate after the hurricane that was Wanda.

"Was that wise?"

Keesha shrugged. "This is Carlos and Ralphie's problem now, and I'd like to see what happens. It should be hilarious," Keesha said, and broke into a smirk. Dorothy Ann shook her head and went back to her work. What happened next would be… _interesting_, if Dorothy Ann had any Seer ability. Which she didn't. But she didn't have to be a psychic to know that. It was a statistical probability, after all.

* * *

**A/N:** _Just a warning, since I don't want people to be disappointed beforehand. This fic will feature: C/DA, A/P, one-sided A/W (at different points in time), one-sided R/P, past C/K, past T/J, T/P, A/Tiffany, R/W, R/K and basically lots of different ships which may make an appearance. If you've read my stories, you can pretty much guess which ships are endgame. Regardless whether you guys like the ships or not, I hope you guys give this fic a chance. :)_


	2. Laugh as much as you choose

_When Wanda enlists Ralphie and Carlos' help to get Arnold and Phoebe together, hilarity is sure to ensue._

* * *

**We're Not Characters from a Jane Austen Novel, Wanda**

* * *

_Laugh as much as you choose_

* * *

Ralphie and Carlos were – where else? – goofing out in Ralphie's room. After all, it was what they always did every Saturday afternoon since they were in elementary school. Nobody knew what they got to, up there, and quite honestly, nobody _wanted_ to know. Wanda had an inkling that since puberty hit, their activities would involve copious amounts of illegally-obtained alcohol and lots of "adult entertainment" magazines, but she couldn't be sure. There had been rumours that the two were _closer than friends_, and in Wanda's fantasy land, that would be pretty hot, but in Wanda's reality land, no dice. It had pretty obvious that while Carlos and Arnold's cousin Janet were a thing in sophomore year, they were all over each other (although apparently Janet had broken up with Carlos before he could score a home run, as Ralphie would say). Apparently, Janet was nobody's second choice (Janet's words) – although it did lend credence to the idea that Carlos was using Janet as a romantic interest replacement. _For Ralphie_, Wanda's naughty inner voice whispered. But then Ralphie was a no-go, seeing how smitten he was with Keesha during elementary and middle school (not so surprising to Wanda, since Keesha was the first one among the girls to develop boobs), and then with Phoebe during their freshman year in high school (well, Ralphie claimed that they were both just "really good friends". Yeah, Wanda wasn't buying it).

Plus, Carlos was dating Florrie Andersen now…

Anyway, she'd find out soon enough whether they were having sexytimes or whether they were wanking to porn stars, when she crashed their little party. She quietly opened the door, and…

"_What the hell?"_

"Wanda!" Both boys jumped up, sheepishly and with red faces. "We can explain!"

"Oh, you can, can you?" Wanda's eyes narrowed dangerously, causing Ralphie to gulp audibly. Carlos just looked incredibly bored. Wanda, noticing this, turned to Carlos and gave him the evil eye. Carlos simply responded by raising an eyebrow, challenging her.

"I'll tell Florrie about the fact you confessed to us all that you thought that Florrie was a lousier kisser in comparison to Janet," Wanda said simply, while checking her nails.

Carlos blanched. Wanda smiled slightly, before she launched into her tirade.

"_WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU GUYS DOING, PLAYING COD? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE MANLY MEN WHO WERE MANLY AND WERE NOT COMPUTER ADDICTS! WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS FROM YOU, RALPHIE. BUT CARLOS? YOU TOO? I MEAN, INSTEAD OF HAVING HOT AND STEAMY MAKE-OUT SESSIONS WITH EACH OTHER – I MEAN, WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS – I MEAN, WITH GIRLS, BUT I GUESS FLORRIE IS SORT OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND, CARLOS, SO GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU BUT – WELL, THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! INSTEAD OF THAT OR DOING TYPICAL GUY STUFF YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING COD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? YOU DIDN'T EVEN INVITE MEEEEEEEEEE!_"

There was a heavy silence for a moment, before Ralphie broke it by saying, "Wanda, you don't know guys that well, do you?"

"And you secretly want to play COD too, right?" Carlos added.

"You guys suck," Wanda said, in a childish voice and pouting. "It doesn't matter what you guys usually do during your bromance time – although it's much less scandalous than what everyone seems to think – but you guys should know I came here for other reasons as well."

"Sure, Wanda," Ralphie rolled his eyes. "The answer is no, by the way. You're not going to play computer games with us."

"You're just afraid I'll beat you guys," Wanda sniffed petulantly.

"Keep dreaming, Wanda," Carlos smirked. "And while you're at it, do that in your own room. I'm beating Ralphie to a pulp here."

"Hah, you wish!" Ralphie retorted. "Who was the one who was –"

"_I WAS BEING SERIOUS!_" Wanda yelled. That got their attention.

From the outside, they heard a knock. It was Ralphie's grandfather. "Boys, Wanda, what's all this about?"

"Nothing, really, Grandpa," Ralphie said, sheepishly. "Wanda gets a little, er, _excitable_ sometimes." When he saw Wanda opening her mouth to deny this, he kicked her in the shin, and what came out instead was a howl of pain.

Ralphie's grandfather was instantly suspicious. "No hanky-panky here, kids. Ralphie, you should know better; your mother is an _extremely_ light sleeper."

Ralphie turned as red as his cap. "Yes sir," he murmured, embarrassed.

His grandfather nodded in approval. "Very well then, Ralphie. _Remember_," his voice suddenly turned sharp. "_No hanky-panky_," he said, eyes falling on both Carlos and Wanda.

It was clearly a warning, and really, no one had anything to say in response. Satisfied with having the last word, Ralphie's grandfather nodded yet again, before leaving the trio.

As soon as the door closed behind him, all three of them gave sighs of relief. Wanda, however, was quick to speak soon after.

"As I was about to say," Wanda raised her voice dramatically, but this earned her hisses from both boys to lower her voice. She glared at them, but then complied by lowering her voice (though she didn't ease up on the dramatic intonation). "_As I was saying, you two are going to help me get Arnold and Phoebe together, in an operation called 'Operation Get Arnold and Phoebe together', hereafter known as Operation Arby_!" she said, with a – somewhat unintentionally comical – flourish of her hands.

The boys' burst of laughter was uncontainable and was probably loud enough to wake the dead.

* * *

Ten minutes later, both Carlos and Wanda found themselves kicked out of the Tenelli residence by an irate grandfather. Wanda was indignant of the treatment (mostly because she hated being in the wrong than anything else) while Carlos seemed pretty chill with the turn of events (which suggested that this was not the first time he was thrown out). Wanda, pissed off, marched in the direction of her home, while Carlos accompanied her, taking long, lazy strides (with his stupid long, lazy legs; Wanda hated the fact she was so much shorter than everyone else).

"So, Wanda, what the hell are you playing at?" Carlos asked her as they made their way towards her home. Carlos seemed to be think that she was up to something. Wanda – for her part – couldn't understand _why _Carlos would think that. She frowned in response.

"Well, honestly, Carlos. Isn't it obvious? I want Phoebe to woman up and make a move on Arnold instead of mooning over him the whole time. Honestly, a weaslier wimp ne'er was seen –"

"Well," Carlos casually interrupted, "she's as red-headed as any Weasley, so I guess she _can _be a weasley wimp." At this, Wanda turned towards him with a blank expression on her face. "Get it?" he nudged her. "Red-head. Phoebe is as red-headed as a Weasley, and she's a wimp. Which justifies you calling her a Weasley wimp?" The blank face did not change expression, and Carlos groaned. "It's from _Harry Potter_!"

"You're weird, Carlos," Wanda said, bluntly. "You used to be able to tell jokes. Lame jokes, but at least they were somewhat funny. Now they're just weird."

"Ouch, Wanda," Carlos said, good-naturedly. "That really bites."

"Just keeping it real," Wanda shrugged, before crying out almost despairingly, "Why does everyone think that me matchmaking Arnold and Phoebe is a bad idea? Why doesn't anyone think it's a good idea for Arnold and Phoebe to end up together?"

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "You really want to know the answer?"

"_Yes_!" she cried out. "They'd make such a cute couple, and – oh don't look at me like that Carlos, you know they totally would."

"Doesn't mean they will," he shrugged. "Besides, I don't see how Ralphie and I will be much help. Wouldn't you be better off with D.A. and Keesha's help?"

Wanda bit her lip, unwilling to confess to Carlos that D.A. and Keesha flat out rejected her idea. "Well, I _did_ go to them first, if that's what you mean," she began, but as she saw Carlos open his mouth, she hurriedly added, "but they said you and Ralphie would be of more help. Especially Ralphie, since he's – uh – the closest thing Arnold's got to a close friends aside from the rocks and we all know rocks won't help in this case."

"_I see_," Carlos drawled. His ensuing cough sounded very much like a laugh, and it was evident from his tone that he did not believe her in the slightest.

This irked her.

"Oh go ahead, laugh as much as you want, but it's true," Wanda said, indignantly. _Well_, she reflected to herself, _half-true_ _at any rate_. Keesha did tell her to speak to the guys after all, even if it was in a sarcastic manner. "And I'm sick of Phoebe mooning over Arnold. Please, you don't have gym period with us. Whenever the guys have swimming, Phoebe always lingers by the pool, claiming she's on her period and just ogling him in a banana-hammock."

Carlos burst into laughter yet again. "The way you put it, it's like Phoebe has a thing for pasty guys in spandex."

Wanda side-eyed him. "Well, you're one to talk, seeing as you dated Janet, who's basically a female Arnold. And I bet there would be no difference between her and Arnold if she took off her top," she snarked.

"I know why you're bringing _that_ up, Wanda," Carlos laughed. "It's because you're secretly glad that Janet has smaller boobs than you do."

"Please, Carlos, I put the 'ta-ta' in _fan_-ta-ta-_tastic_. And besides, my boobs –"

"Wanda, as much as you're awesome and everything, can we please avoid talking about your boobs? What do you want us to do?"

"What do I want you to do?"

"Ralphie and me?" Carlos raised an eyebrow and then sighed. "Remember, Operation Arby? Though why you'd name an operation after a fast-food restaurant is beyond me…"

"Oh my God," Wanda muttered, dumbstruck. "I didn't think you'd actually – _Oh. My. GOD!_" A twisted smile formed on her face, and she began to laugh maniacally. "This is just absolutely _PERFECT_! There's no way Arnold and Phoebe won't get together now! And I will be able to prove that I'm always right! And that I always have good ideas! And that I don't need Keesha or Dorothy Ann to pull off the perfect plan! I have myself, full of ambition, determination and awesomeness, and with my wiliness, I am sure I can create an amazing plan – and, and –"

"Stop laughing, Wanda, you're scaring the children."

But she couldn't stop it; it was as if she was possessed. Maniacal laughter took over her.

Carlos shrugged, used to Wanda's brand of insanity. Wanda really needed to learn to filter what she said and did.

* * *

Wanda had been ecstatic when she called Dorothy Ann in the afternoon. Apparently Carlos had confirmed that Ralphie and he both wanted in on Operation Arby, "Thereby proving that they are more awesomer than you are," she said, snidely.

Dorothy Ann had to check herself from laughing and retorting, "No, just that Carlos is stupider than I thought," but she knew that as much as she laughed at Wanda, Wanda was the type that wouldn't take a hint or stray from her initial opinions. No, it was better to let Wanda think she was holier-than-everyone-else for the moment, and then try and prevent everyone else from the fall-out of her plans.

She thought that was the end of it, but then, shortly afterwards, _Ralphie_ called.

"It's you," Dorothy Ann said as soon as she answered the phone. On the other side, there was a rapid slew of words, which she could not make out. "Slow down," she said. "Okay, now take it from the start. What is it?" A pause on her end, as she heard what was being said. "Well, didn't Keesha warn you?" Pause. "No? Okay, hold on now, stop talking of Keesha like that! She never used you in – _STOP OVER-REACTING!_" Dorothy Ann said, growing impatient. "Fine, I'll talk to her. But seriously, if Carlos is going to be a good sport about it, why don't you? _Okay, okay!_" She winced as she hung up, annoyed with Ralphie. Ralphie loved to dramatize and exaggerate sometimes, something she often got annoyed with.

She didn't talk to Keesha though. After all, if she persuaded Keesha to tell Wanda to let Ralphie off of her (Wanda's) crazy plan, Wanda would do something probably crazier and more unpredictable. Besides, they needed at least two people to watch over Wanda. Ralphie was a good choice, seeing as he was usually up for a crazy scheme. But why was he so reluctant this time?

She called Carlos. "Speak," came the pleasant baritone voice.

"What's up with Ralphie?" she asked, bluntly.

"Why?"

"He absolutely refused to participate in Wanda's plan. Said that he couldn't 'in good conscience' let Wanda run crazy rings around them. And that he hated Keesha for putting him in this position."

"He's blaming Keesha? But _why_?"

"Don't know. Isn't he your best friend? Shouldn't _you _know?"

"Wanda and I got ourselves kicked out."

"Oh," Dorothy Ann said pityingly. "Well, why don't you find out? I mean, you're his best friend, you can persuade him to your way of thinking..."

"Well, honestly, it's worth a shot. But why is Wanda so adamant to get Arnold and Phoebe together?"

"Beats me. It amuses her, I guess." A snicker of laughter came from the other line. Dorothy Ann frowned. "Oh go ahead, laugh away, but Wanda doesn't care how much you laugh as long as you follow her plan."

"As long as she doesn't get screwed following her plan as well, you mean. And if something goes wrong and someone needs to be on the chopping board, it's not her but us."

"A natural consequence of Wanda's plan," Dorothy Ann said matter-of-factly.

"According to your research?" Carlos asked, cheekily.

He couldn't see her raise an eyebrow. "What are you, nine?" she asked.

"Not anymore, D.A. Not anymore. Did you lose your powers of observation as you grew up?"

"I suppose the nuances of sarcasm are lost on you, Carlos. No matter. Just, well, be careful. Honestly, I don't know how you're going to handle Ralphie and Wanda. And I think you've lost your mind, really."

"Keesha was just joking, really. She thought it would be interesting to see Wanda try and persuade big manly men such as the both of you to do some crazy matchmaking. But I guess the plan's changed, since you guys agreed so readily."

"So what's the plan, then?"

"Well, you guys will just have to go along with Wanda's plan, and we'll see from there."

A pause. "Why does that sound so ominous?"

"Carlos, you're following _Wanda's _lead. That choice pretty much doomed you to your fate."

* * *

**A/N:** _This seems to follow the drabble path. I will admit that the next chapter are not written, since the writing bug needs to bite me on my lazy behind before I get to writing. I know the writing seems filler-y, but it was so fun to write! Next up will feature the first plan and Phoebe… I think? Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, you guys! Much love! _


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